A series of unfortunate events

June 05, 2014

Your 20s are about finding yourself and finding what your life is about. Sometimes, its also about the bad things, regrets, that jazz. Mostly, your 20s are about lessons. I got a call today offering me a position on a study abroad trip that I had applied for in the spring but hadn't gotten into. Apparently, someone had dropped out last minute, and I was next on the list. Apparently, someone had really, really dropped out last minute - because the trip leaves in 3 days. Honestly, my heart sank because from a girl who came from a little old town with a family with little money, studying abroad has always been a dream and a dream only - something I didn't believe would happen. The process of applying for this program back then was intense and long, requiring me to sit in front of a board and be thrown questions left and right. When I didn't get in, I said to myself, "This wasn't in God's plan for you. Be sad for awhile, but don't dwell. That program wasn't a part of your story, getting rejected was so take it as a lesson." I've faced plenty of rejection before - no biggie. Rejection I can do. So I got over it. I was sad. Then I was happy. Because there are so many things in life that God has given me, and me not getting this one thing didn't replace that.

However, here I sat faced with this decision. Can you find a way to leave for a month in three days? Can you pay your rent for July tomorrow? Can you ask your boss if you'll still have a job if you dip out for a month? Can you be okay with missing your best friend and one of your closest friend's 21st birthdays? So many questions triggered my anxiety and yeah, the tears fell. After a long conversation with my mom, and then my boss, I realized that at the end of the day this decision was mine and that was even scarier because how can I make this decision?!?!?

I won't leave you in suspense, I said no. I called up the study abroad office and told them I wish I could say yes with all my heart, but I had to decline. So let me tell you why. Last summer I struggled a lot with a lot of stuff that isn't important right now. I worked hard all year so that now, this summer, I wouldn't be in that same place anymore. Leaving for a month would undue all that work. Leaving for a month isn't a realistic idea in 3 days notice. Never have I felt like I made a more adult decision where I was thinking of my future rather than my current - something I almost never do. But let me say this. Me declining in no way defines me as far as my passion, my still current want to travel, or who I am. If I had been accepted with the other students in March, I would be packed and ready to head out to Central America. It's not fair of them to ask me on such short notice. My biggest thought in this was that I didn't want to regret not going. I wanted to know I made the right decision. I guess I'll find that out soon enough. I felt like I made a big girl decision by saying no because I know that there are matters here that need my attention like work, talons, and the people in my life.

Will I get an opportunity like this again? Probably not. However, I'm still young and have time to travel on my own accord. I feel as if I was given this choice almost as a test to see if I really learned anything from last year. If I actually have changed for the better. This blog post is being written with jibbers off the top of my 2am head so please excuse it not being the best. I just wanted to document this day, document this feeling. Remember this moment for the lesson it taught me, that 'one time in my 20s.'

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Just another millennial trying to entertain you with my thoughts on things you probably don't care about & other milestones along the way.
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