Preface: A long time ago I started this blog with the intent that I would document everything that was happening my last year as an undergrad and how I was playing out the decisions that were ahead. But honestly, I was having such a beautiful time that I never really took the time to sit down and document them. Those memories are stuck with me regardless. Now, is probably when I’ll need writing the most. Because right now there is a big abyss in front of me waiting for me to jump in. Who am I? Let’s find out.
The other evening I went to watch American Ultra, the new oddly romanic without trying to be action comedy starring Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart. The movie overall was A+ but I want to focus on one piece of the movie specifically. There’s a scene where they’re both laying on the hood of a car, watching from afar a scene of a car that has crashed into a tree. Jesse begins a short monologue that has the general gist of this: this car has had a plan since the beginning of its time. It was manufactured to have a purpose - to drive. So it did, it was driven by someone who ended up giving it to someone else who drove it and the whole time this car is gaining miles and changing. And then you have this tree. Whose sole purpose in life has been to stay in the same spot, and yes grow also but never really go anywhere. Then one day, out of nowhere it was the tree that decided it was going to stop the car. It was going to be the thing that got in the way of the car and stopped the car from growing, from moving, from doing what it was mean to do. Jesse, thru tears in his completely stoned face, turns to her and says “I’m your tree.”
It’s been 24 hours since I’ve seen this movie but I can’t get that metaphor out of my head. Because lately, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. When you’re going through hard times, I think it’s important to reflect on not just what is going on around you that’s upsetting you but to look in yourself and ask why these things are upsetting you. For me, the realization has been that I’m innately a selfish person. Hearing this metaphor, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that right now, I’m the tree for so many people in my life because while their lives are moving at the pace it’s meant to be.. at this moment in time, I’m not. I’m not upset about that - my very stagnant point in life at the moment is where I believe I should be. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an affect on the people around me.
So what does this mean for me now? Mostly, that I have a lot of work to do inside. For as long as I could remember, life has been about the future. High school, college, the whole thing. But right now, while the future of course is still important. The right now, the me right now is the focus. Because mental health and understanding myself has always been something I put on the back burner while I filled my life with the nonsensical of the college life.
Maybe the focus right now isn’t necessarily that I’m the tree for those around me, but rather my own tree.